A cry for help/random gibberish
Well… tomorrow is the big day…
We go to another doctor to try to find out what is up with the cysts my wife has.
Hopefully this one will be the right one.
I’ve discovered something about myself during all this… I am real good at turning stuff over to God for him to handle- But I am better at snatching it back and hanging on to it with all I have.
I worry. I’m anxious. I drive myself nuts. I smoke a lot- even though I’m supposed to have quit. I dwell on things and close in on myself.
It’s sad… I know what I should do with this- I should trust in God to take care of it- in His time- in the way He thinks is best….
But I have problems letting go.
I know that there are more people praying for my wife than I ever thought could pray about something. I know that no matter how much worrying I do- I will not change things by doing so. I know that it is in God’s hands- not mine. Yet I still hang on…
How do you deal with this? How do you let go and just trust in God to handle things? And when you do hand them over… how do you keep yourself from grabbing it back?
*I’ve witheld writing this post for quite some time… I try to be Stormii’s rock even when I’m not feeling like I can be. I hate to let her know I am worried- and I hate not letting her know also. Some days it eats me up inside because I don’t have a clue what I’m doing… Last night- She was upset about my smoking… I totally understand that, but until we are through this- I don’t think I can quit. But that started us down the track where she thinks I am smoking because of her… In a way- she’s partially right… but it’s MY MONKEY- not hers… I am smoking because it’s a way I’ve always dealt with things… it’s a comfort thing for me in a way. It really has nothing to do with her.
I don’t even know if any of this is making sense…
Anyway… Maybe somebody has some advice for me? Maybe on how I can leave things in God’s hands and not try to take it all on my shoulders?
****It was brought to my attention that some of you may not have a clue what I am talking about with the cysts….
Basically, last year Stormii’s doctor felt something in her abdomen that felt a little odd to her. She sent us to get a CT scan- that showed a rather large mass of cysts. A trip to the surgeon, and then he recommended a uroligist. Urologist sent us for an MRI- then decided it was a bigger job than he can handle, and he has recommended us to yet another Urologist. We go tomorrow to the new one.
The mass of cysts in her belly can be seen on the scans starting around the lungs and diapragm, continues down to her bladder- touching pretty much everything inbetween. They think it is connected to her kidney (the one that looks like a pancake in the scans) and we will probably need more tests to find out for sure.